Help! Should I Date Another Ex-Jehovah's Witness?
Divorced after thirty years and never dated
Welcome to ‘Ask Xavi’, my advice column on life, love, and more. Submit an anonymous question here.
Dear Xavi,
I divorced my husband of thirty years and faded out of the Jehovah’s Witnesses organization.
I’m thinking a lot about my future choice in partner. Should they be exJW like me? Or someone who’s not been part of or experienced a high control religion?
I feel like a teenager going out into the world learning skills as I go. I’ve never dated and I got married at seventeen inside the organization.
Advice please.
-Feeling Stuck
Dear Feeling Stuck,
Thanks for sending this question. I definitely empathize with your experience. Leaving the Jehovah’s Witnesses organization can be disorienting. Seventeen is a such a young age to be married.
I think there’s valid reasons to consider both. And I do want to preemptively say that ultimately the decision is yours. If there’s anything I’ve learned since leaving, getting in touch with your gut is essential!
Have you considered a “hoe phase”? Because I think you may need one! Dating a little bit of both might help you find what feels right for you. Not to mention that getting married at seventeen, you really didn’t get to date at all.
Dating an exJW or even some of our cult cousins (i.e. exMormons, ex-Scientologists, ex-Evangelicals, etc) has its perks. You share trauma, but you also share trauma you know? I’ve had a few partners that are ex-religious in some sense and it’s been incredibly healing. Being able to talk about your experiences and understand each other is a great thing. I’ve found that many of us are navigating similar things: unlearning purity culture, learning how to be social, where to be social, what life looks like for us beyond the religion, etc.
Someone without this background might not understand. They might’ve grown up with secure attachments, support of their autonomy, and acceptance of their sexuality. This can be healing in its own right. They can open you up to new ways of thinking and new experiences. It won’t mean they’re not traumatized in their own way, but it’ll be different.
What are you looking for in a partner? What kind of things are you interested in sexually? What kind of political and moral issues are important to you? Do you want a monogamous or non-monogamous relationship?
How you feel around them? Do you feel safe to be yourself? Do you feel safe to express your feelings about the relationship or in general? Are your boundaries respected? Are you intellectually challenged? Are you loved and supported? Does it feel important to you for your partner to have an exJW background?
I’m wishing you all the best with your journey. I hope you find a partner that loves and cares for you the way you deserve ❤️
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