Help! I Ditched Religion, But Guilt Won't Let Me Enjoy Sex

Unlearning purity culture is not a switch you flip, it's an ongoing conscious process.

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Photo by Roman Khripkov on Unsplash

Dear Xavi,

I left my religious upbringing behind years ago, but somehow, I still feel guilty about sex. I tell myself I should be free, I should be over this by now—but every time I want something, there’s still a voice in my head whispering that it’s wrong.

I want to fully embrace desire, to stop second-guessing every feeling, to unlearn the shame I never chose. But I don’t know how. How did you do it?

—Trying to Let Go

Dear Trying to Let Go,

Guilt is a terrible liar. It lingers long after its source is gone, whispering that you’re doing something wrong—even when you know, rationally, that you’re not. It doesn’t mean you made a mistake in leaving your old beliefs behind. It just means you were trained, over years, to flinch at your own desires.

Human thought develops dialectically, through contradiction. You might feel free one moment and burdened the next. Some days, desire will feel easy, and others, the old whispers of shame will creep back in. This back-and-forth doesn’t mean you’re failing. It means you’re growing. Two steps forward, one step back—that’s the rhythm of transformation.

This same process was in motion when you left religion. You questioned ideas, tested them against experience, and replaced them with ones that made more sense.

But here’s the catch—just because your mind changed doesn’t mean your body did. Not yet. Your emotions are still working through years of conditioning.

And like any dialectical process, this isn’t a straight line. It’s a constant back-and-forth—discarding old habits of thought while building new ones that actually serve you.

I know this process firsthand, because I’m still living it. I was in the middle of having a sexual experience I was really looking forward to and one intrusive thought led me down a rabbit hole. One thought led to another, and suddenly, I wasn’t in my body anymore—I was in my head. Analyzing. Doubting. Bracing for something to go wrong.

Should I be doing this?
What if it ruins the relationship?
What if they aren’t really attracted to me?

I felt disappointed, frustrated, and almost impatient with myself. I've been on this journey since 2019, why is this still happening to me? And there's almost a different kind of shame that comes over you because you couldn't perform. I talked to my partner about it the next day and that helped me feel a little better. Not because it magically erased the guilt, but because saying it out loud made it feel smaller, less powerful. Shame thrives in secrecy, but when we voice it—especially with someone who sees us without judgment—it starts to unravel.

I'd love to tell you this has only happened to me once. But it hasn't. And it can be very frustrating. You're "free" in theory, but your body isn't cooperating. It’s maddening—wanting something fully in your mind, but feeling like your own body is resisting you. Like you’re fighting a ghost that was planted in you years ago.

I need to continue having patience with myself. Instead of measuring progress by how little guilt I feel, I can shift my focus. Stop thinking about whether your desire is right or wrong and start asking, "What do I want?", "What feels good to me?", "What am I curious to try?"

This could start as small or big as you'd like. Maybe it's just sitting with your desire and feeling comfortable with it. Maybe it's exploring fantasies on your own. Maybe it starts with an honest conversation with your partner. Instead of going down the rabbit hole of "Is it bad that I want to do X?" try reframing it by asking, "What is it about X that has me so intrigued?" Desire is not something you have to justify or explain away. It simply is.

And that includes you. You’ve already freed yourself in thought—now it’s time to live that freedom. It doesn't mean every experience will be perfect or frustration-free. But give yourself permission to embrace it! To revel in it! Because freedom isn’t just about rejecting the old—it’s about creating something new. A life where sex and desire aren’t weighed down by guilt, but embraced with joy. Where pleasure isn’t something to justify—it’s something to claim.

So claim it. Step into it. Let it be yours.