Help! I Can’t Tell If Our Politics Are a Dealbreaker
When values clash, is love still a good enough reason to stay?
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Dear Xavi,
I’ve been dating someone amazing for a few years, but they have very different political and philosophical views from me. I don’t mean small disagreements—I mean big, fundamental differences about what is right and the world we should fight for. Can a relationship survive that? Should it?
—Crossed Wires
Dear Crossed Wires,
That depends. What kind of relationship are you trying to build?
Back in 2012, I dated a Republican. It wasn’t a long thing, and at the time I wasn’t even politically awake. I was more worried about the fact that we were having premarital sex and she wasn’t a Jehovah’s Witness. But even then, I knew something felt off. I remember we went to see Lincoln, and afterward she said, “See? It was a Republican who ended slavery.” I didn’t really know what to say. At the time, I associated Christian fanaticism with Republicans.
In a way we did end up breaking up over ideology, but it was mostly religious guilt. Still, there are the seeds of something deeper. The truth is: it’s incredibly difficult to build something long-term with someone if you don’t share a framework for understanding the world.
Politics isn’t just about opinions. It expresses a particular material interest and philosophy. It’s about what whether you believe a better world is possible—and how we go about fighting for it.
That realization has become clearer to me over time, especially in my relationship with Kelly, my partner of ten years. We met while still in the religion, and both of our beliefs have drastically changed since then. But the reason we’re still together isn’t luck—it’s that we kept growing in a similar direction. Our philosophies have evolved, sometimes separately, but in a shared orientation. We’re curious about the world and willing to change our minds. That’s what makes it work.
I’ve had other relationships that challenged me in beautiful ways. Where disagreement sparked deeper thinking. The best relationships I’ve had were about curiosity. They were about taking the kernel of truth in what someone believed and helping each other strip away the rest. That’s rare. And it’s precious.
But I do still have my deal breakers. I believe everyone deserves a life of dignity. We have the resources—right now—to house, feed, and care for every human on this planet. That’s not up for debate. Neither is my sexuality or the fact that I’m polyamorous. If someone can’t respect those things, they don’t get to be close to me.
So what do you do if you’re in love with someone that's not right for you?
Ask yourself: what exactly am I in love with? Sweet words? Affection? The feeling of being chosen? Love isn’t just about how someone makes you feel—it’s about who you become when you’re with them. Are they helping you grow into the person you want to be? Are they holding you back? Are they reinforcing lies you’ve outgrown?
Love isn’t just about how someone makes you feel—it’s about who you become when you’re with them.
This isn’t of secondary importance. A partner should be someone you can be your true self with, someone who supports you to be the best version of yourself, who likes you for you and not the box they’re trying to fit you in.
If the answer is clear—even if it hurts—you walk away.
And when you do, let it be an act of love. You love yourself enough to know that you can’t compromise yourself. You love yourself enough to trust that there is someone out there who will align with you. You make the decision not in a haze of romance or delusion, but grounded in reality. In your principles.
You deserve better.