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A few weeks ago, I went on a campus tour at Arizona State University. Most of the people there were eighteen-year-olds flanked by their parents—awkwardly holding info packets while their moms asked the tour guide about safety and dining options. I was there with my wife. And that small detail said everything about where I am in life right now.

I’m 33. I’ve lived a few lives already. I built a career in tech without a degree, left it, started over, and now I’m about to become a full-time student. I’m excited. I’m terrified. I’m mourning the version of me who never got this experience when I was younger, and trying to embrace the version of me who gets to have it now.

When I graduated high school, college wasn’t on the table. I was a Jehovah’s Witness, and higher education was discouraged. Not just in a “we can’t afford it” kind of way, but in a deeply ideological, the-world-is-ending-soon way. I genuinely believed there wouldn’t be a future—so why plan for one? So I learned to code, got a job, and tried to survive. My 18-year-old self would’ve thought going to college now is a waste of time. But that same 18-year-old was convinced the end was just around the corner... and that was 15 years ago. If he could see me now—happier, more confident, more curious—I think he might finally start to imagine a future, too.

I haven’t stepped into a classroom yet, but I’ve been on campus. I’ve seen the soft booths in the student union, the little clusters of tables under the trees, the weirdly utopian-feeling walkability of the whole space. It's wild—how much of it is designed just for people to be together. It made me think about the world we could build under socialism. Walkable neighborhoods. Public dining halls. Easy access to quality public transportation. Spaces where people can gather and grow without having to buy a $7 coffee to justify their existence.

I’m not just going to school to "get a better job"—though yes, stability is part of it. I’m going so I can become a history and Spanish teacher. So I can organize. So I can meet people who are hungry for meaning and direction, and help them connect the dots between their personal struggles and the larger systems shaping them. I’m a member of the Revolutionary Communists of America, and Tempe’s campus is one of the most important places we recruit new members. I want to help train and educate some of those young people to carry the torch even further.

It’s scary. The uncertainty doesn’t go away just because you’re older. I don’t know exactly how I’ll afford everything. I don’t know what it will be like to make friends, or show up to class as the “older student” who still gets nervous about being liked. But I believe deeply in the power of education—not just as a job, but as a collective endeavor. As a way of sharpening the mind and preparing for the class battles that lie ahead.

And I’ll fight, to my dying breath, for a world where student debt is nothing more than a relic of capitalism’s cruelty.

So yeah. I showed up to a campus tour with my wife, not my parents. I’m not here to relive my youth. I’m here to build something entirely new.

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In life, some failures go unnoticed, while others feel like bull-in-a-china-shop moments you can't ignore. In a technical interview this week, I was asked to solve an algorithmic coding problem on the spot. As I fumbled through the live exercise, I knew. I wasn't getting the job. A gut feeling confirmed within hours.

That interview was just one in a long string of rejections. For the past six months, I've been unemployed, and it's riddled me with a bunch of personal doubts. I feel worthless, floating in a sea of automated rejection and "Thank you for applying" emails. Stuck, as if every single door I try is locked. And uncomfortably lost, unsure of what I should do next.

What makes it harder is the feeling of being judged. It's pretty common for people to ask what you do for work, and I dread it every time. I can't help but wonder if people think I'm not trying hard enough, as if I want to be unemployed. Back in September I took a job at Starbucks and quit within two weeks. It was humbling and absolutely sucked. They only pay $15 an hour, which in no universe covers my bills. And so far it's the only job where I've cried after my shift. I thought I'd find something better within a few months. I didn't.

Ultimately, I know it's not my fault. Capitalism is in a global crisis right now, and my industry has been hit especially hard. Since 2022, over 550,000 tech workers have been laid off—more than 130,000 in 2024 alone1. It's not just the numbers; I know plenty of friends and colleagues who are in the exact same boat. It's nice to know I'm not alone, but not like this. And it doesn't make the rejection emails any easier to swallow.

Somedays it feels hopeless. But then I remind myself that this is just a chapter, not the whole story. I've faced challenges before, and I made it through. So what's next? The job search continues. I'll keep putting myself out there. You never know where a job might come from. In the meantime, I'm reminding myself that this experience isn't a reflection of my worth or my skills. Unemployment is an irrational contradiction of the capitalist system, and everything will work itself out—as long as I focus on the things I can change.

Yesterday was my 32nd birthday. This year is feeling different for me so far. Like a fog finally dissipating. With that has come a clarity I’m not sure I’ve ever felt. Here are thirty-two things I would tell my past self:

1. Some things don’t work out. It’s ok. It’s not the end of the world. A lot of the times it’s for the best.

2. Do it now and reward yourself. I know you say you’ll do it later. Hell, I know you’ll do it. But you’ll be much happier if you do it now.

3. Drink water. Other fluids are fine, but try to drink twice the amount of water for every other drink.

4. Touch yourself. And don’t feel bad about it. Anyone telling you it’s wrong or that God doesn’t like it doesn’t know what they’re talking about.

5. Self-hatred doesn’t lead to change. I know your flaws frustrate you, but hating them as if they’re not part of you does you no good. Love yourself into growing and becoming better.

6. Your blood relatives aren’t your family. Family sticks together. It doesn’t tolerate or foster abuse. Family is about love and support. The people who end up playing that role in your life might be related to you, they might not.

7. Being yourself is manly. Being a man isn’t about the colors you like, how you talk, or your mannerisms. You’re manly because you’re a man. Focus on being a person of integrity.

8. Being told “You’re too much” isn’t a reflection of you. The person is telling you they don’t have the emotional capacity or maturity for you. Next.

9. You can only invite someone into your life, the rest is up to them. Wanting someone in your life is only part of the equation. They have to want to be in your life too.

10. If you wouldn’t say something about someone else, don’t say it about yourself. Don’t repeat the mean or negative things that people say to you about you. How do you feel about it? Repeat that instead.

11. Be naked more. You have nothing to be ashamed of. We’re more than our bodies. Anyone who dislikes you for it isn’t worthy of you.

12. Enjoy the journey, worry less about the destination. There are no shortcuts. Relationships take time to build. Wounds need time to heal. There’s so much to be grateful for in the now.

13. Just tell them. Default to telling people how you feel. Let it be a filter for people that aren’t meant for you.

14. If you feel it, you belong. Stop it with the imposter syndrome. You have that feeling in your soul for a reason. Follow that.

15. Quit. It’s ok. It’s not the end of the world. Your health and happiness are your responsibility and trumps everything else.

16. Don’t Quit. Things that matter require work. Go into things with a commitment to doing everything in your power to see it through. History’s greatest people accomplished those things because they didn’t give up.

17. Take videos and pictures of your life. Be your own documentarian. The years seem to go faster and faster. You’ll never regret having a picture or video you can sob to years later.

18. Sing at the top of your lungs. Do it in the car. Do it in the shower. Do it in front of people. Do it by yourself. Are we still talking about singing?

19. Stand by what you believe. If you don’t want to say you believe something publicly, ask yourself why. Standing by what you believe isn’t the same as not challenging those beliefs.

20. Allow yourself to change your mind. Approach life with an open mind. Being opinionated doesn’t mean those opinions can’t change. Being intellectually honest is about owning that you got it wrong, and doing better next time.

21. Do your research. Don’t take someone’s word for it. Find it for yourself. Actually read the references.

22. Spend your money primarily in experiences and helping those in need. Gadgets and things are cool, but they add nothing meaningful to your life. Mutual aid, buying people food, and traveling will nurture you.

23. Pay yourself first. Before you pay anything else, save a portion and put that in a place you don’t touch. Preferably a place that accrues interest.

24. Just because you meant well, doesn’t mean you didn’t cause harm. Saying you didn’t mean to isn’t enough. Apologize for the harm you caused. Commit to doing better. Move on.

25. Spend time alone. Do things for you. What are activities that bring you joy? Learn to enjoy your own presence. Learn to like you.

26. Trust freely, forgive selectively. Don’t let previous experiences stop you from trusting new people. Don’t let people who’ve already shown you who they are do any more damage.

27. Rejection doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. Not everyone is going to gel. You’re not doing anything wrong. Not everything is about you.

28. There’s no right decision. There’s only the decision you make. Life is full of these kinds of situations. Gather as much information as you can, sleep on it, phone a friend if you really need to, and go for it.

29. Read what you enjoy. There’s no such thing as a “real reader.” Just read things. Get lost in new worlds, find ways to make the world better, or just spend the time.

30. Do some drugs. Weed and mushrooms are medicine. Let them heal the parts that therapy can’t. Pay attention to how they connect you to the earth and to others.

31. It’s ok to be a horny bitch. Sex is actually a totally natural thing. It’s fun. Find people that you can be horny with. You’re not alone.

32. You’re loved. There are many people who will love you. You haven’t met most of them. But no matter what, always be the first person that does.

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